Hello. I would like to show you this video of my friend Brett Gelman. It is very funny. If you don’t find it funny, I got news for you: you’re an assholeface.
A QUICK WORD ABOUT LIFE…
Wow. It’s truly remarkable, isn’t it? Life is really precious. Think about it. Just moments ago I was surfing the Internet, minding my own business, enjoying a funny video of my friend Brett Gelman with Elizabeth Banks. Next thing you know, I’m hard at work trying to determine which people reading my blog are giant assholefaced assholes and which people are not giant assholefaced assholes. It’s no easy task… but such is life.
It’s really important to get the non-assholefaces categorized properly, in order to keep them far away from those deemed to be total assholefaced assholes. To that end, it would help me out a great deal if you watched the above video of Brett Gelman. That way I can determine fairly quickly if you’re a giant lametarded assholeface or not. Of course if you don’t watch the video of Brett Gelman, I’ll have no choice but to just assume you’re a complete stupiddicked assholeface and you should just go JUMP IN A LAKE ALREADY.
A QUICK WORD ABOUT ELIZABETH BANKS…
Back in 2000, a bunch of us went to the Sundance Film Festival together with the movie “Wet Hot American Summer.” A lot of us stayed together in the same condo. It was late one night during the festival and I was crashed out sleeping on the floor in some room. At some point, Elizabeth Banks ended up in the room asleep in a bed next to me.
Now I’m sure I’m stating the obvious here, but there was absolutely nothing sexual about it. Hard to imagine, right? How did she resist? Reality was - we barely knew each other. She was in a bed. I was on the floor. That’s just how the arrangements worked out.
In the middle of the night I began snoring very loudly. This led to a half-asleep, very angry Elizabeth Banks pushing me awake to let me know that I was snoring and that I needed to shut my stupid assholeface up.
If you ever find yourself in the position of having an extremely beautiful and talented actress wake you up in the middle of the night to let you know that YOU’RE DISGUSTING, I’ll warn you now: it’s a bit humiliating. If it makes you feel any better, as time passes, it will still continue to haunt you as a truly horrifying memory.
FINALLY, A QUICK WORD ABOUT BRETT GELMAN…
Jew.
1 year ago
