Congrats to Skeleton Brett Gelman for being in the new Lady Gaga video!!
11 months ago
The Cadence Thief Is effecting us all. Don’t let him get away with it. We’re behind you Brett Gelman. By Any Means Necessary.
Just got back from the Tampa Improv. Gelman’s cadence killed.
Did you just read that headline?! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I was looking at my Tumblr dashboard!
WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! This fucker not only has the audacity to steal the unique and unmistakable cadence of Brett Gelman, but now he’s TOURING with it? And he’s got a fucking Tumblr?!
You’re not gonna get away with this, bro! Mark my words.
The fuckin’ balls on you! You know who you remind me of? Ron Gallagher. That’s right asshole. I just compared you to Gallagher II.
The craziest part is, Gallagher II was RELATED to Gallagher. You’re not related to Brett Gelman!! I don’t know who the fuck you’re related to but it wouldn’t surprise me to find out you were related to a big pile of shit!!!! That’s right, BITCH. You’re the brother of a big pile of shit!!!!!!
I urge all club owners across the country NOT to book “The Cadence Thief.” I urge comedy fans to recognize the uniqueness of Brett Gelman’s cadence and not let this asshole pull this scam.
Hey Cadence Thief! I got you a present:
DEATH TO THE CADENCE THIEF!!!!!!! VIVA LA GELMAN!!!!!!!!!
(Source: thecadencethief)
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
Just fucking stop it already. Stop stealing Brett Gelman’s cadence. Show some respect. If not for Brett, for yourselves. You people disgust me.
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
I TOLD YOU THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!! I DEMAND YOU CEASE STEALING BRETT GELMAN’S CADENCE AT ONCE!!!!
I had to unfollow Gelman on tumblr because of all the hardcore porn he kept posting…
— Someone who just re-blogged my previous post about Brett Gelman.
Hello. I would like to show you this video of my friend Brett Gelman. It is very funny. If you don’t find it funny, I got news for you: you’re an assholeface.
A QUICK WORD ABOUT LIFE…
Wow. It’s truly remarkable, isn’t it? Life is really precious. Think about it. Just moments ago I was surfing the Internet, minding my own business, enjoying a funny video of my friend Brett Gelman with Elizabeth Banks. Next thing you know, I’m hard at work trying to determine which people reading my blog are giant assholefaced assholes and which people are not giant assholefaced assholes. It’s no easy task… but such is life.
It’s really important to get the non-assholefaces categorized properly, in order to keep them far away from those deemed to be total assholefaced assholes. To that end, it would help me out a great deal if you watched the above video of Brett Gelman. That way I can determine fairly quickly if you’re a giant lametarded assholeface or not. Of course if you don’t watch the video of Brett Gelman, I’ll have no choice but to just assume you’re a complete stupiddicked assholeface and you should just go JUMP IN A LAKE ALREADY.
A QUICK WORD ABOUT ELIZABETH BANKS…
Back in 2000, a bunch of us went to the Sundance Film Festival together with the movie “Wet Hot American Summer.” A lot of us stayed together in the same condo. It was late one night during the festival and I was crashed out sleeping on the floor in some room. At some point, Elizabeth Banks ended up in the room asleep in a bed next to me.
Now I’m sure I’m stating the obvious here, but there was absolutely nothing sexual about it. Hard to imagine, right? How did she resist? Reality was - we barely knew each other. She was in a bed. I was on the floor. That’s just how the arrangements worked out.
In the middle of the night I began snoring very loudly. This led to a half-asleep, very angry Elizabeth Banks pushing me awake to let me know that I was snoring and that I needed to shut my stupid assholeface up.
If you ever find yourself in the position of having an extremely beautiful and talented actress wake you up in the middle of the night to let you know that YOU’RE DISGUSTING, I’ll warn you now: it’s a bit humiliating. If it makes you feel any better, as time passes, it will still continue to haunt you as a truly horrifying memory.
FINALLY, A QUICK WORD ABOUT BRETT GELMAN…
Jew.
Well, it’s nice to know my friend Brett Gelman is doing so well! Here’s an update on what he’s been up to from his blog. Congrats, Brett! Reach for the stars, you beautiful bastard!
Alright. Alright. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you Gelmaniacs.
I have not let myself go, nor am I acting in the sequel to Kangaroo Jack.
What has really happened is I, your beloved Gelmania, have achieved total fabulosity.
That’s right. I am a bonefied, full on, street performance artist.
Much like a graffiti bomber, we street performance artists have street names too. My street performance name is Mr. Water Fire, and I’m all about smacking the average Joe on the street with some mean contradictions.
For instance I might go up to someone and ask them for change. If they give me a quarter I throw it at them, and I say something like, “No you fucking idiot. I mean change! Like world peace! Or the national legalization of marijuana!” Then I laugh, and I spin, and I show them my junk, and run away.
So obviously I’m doing what every person in their right mind should be doing. I’m creating and living in the moment, and I’m helping people to get in touch with why they’re human.
So don’t worry. I’m fantastic.
