JAKE FOGELNEST

In response to Carles from Hipster Runoff…

You have meddled with the primary forces of nature, Carles, and I won’t have it! Is that clear?

You think you merely stopped a ‘human meme.’ That is not the case. Dubstep has taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tide and gravity. It is ecological balance.

You are a ‘content farmer’ who thinks in terms of search queries and buzz. There are no nations. There are no ‘authentic bloggers.’ There are no buzzbands. There are no ‘chillwaves.’ There is no ‘blogosphere.’ There is no P4K. There is only one holistic system of systems. One vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multi-varied, multi-national dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rands, rubles, pounds and shekels.

It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this Internet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic, and sub-atomic and galactic structure of things today.

And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature. And you will atone.

Am I getting through to you, Carles?

You get up on your little MacBook Pro screen and howl about LanaBB and Search Engine Optimization. There is no buzz. There are no memes. There is only P4k and Stereogum and MTVHive, and GorillaVsBear, elbo.ws, Brooklyn Vegan and The Low Times Podcast. Those are the nations of the world today.

What do you think the editors of SPIN talk about in their Councils of State? Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, mini-max solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do.

We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Carles. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Carles. It has been since Alan Freed crawled out of the slime.

And our children will live, Carles, to see that … perfect … world in which there is no 10.0, nor snark, buzz or top 10 lists. One vast and ecumenical holding company for whom all men will work to serve a common profit. In which all men will hold a share of stock.

All necessities provided. All anxieties tranquilized. All boredom amused. And I have chosen you, Carles, to preach this evangel. 

Because you look good, bb!!

For the last few mornings the team behind CNBC’s “Squawk Box” have talked about listening to the indie rock station I work for, Sirius XMU. Hopefully they’ll consider adding Carles from Hipster Runoff as the official CNBC “Blogosphere Business Content Farming Correspondent.”

Thanks, “Squawk Box” team!

Thank you, Carles for exposing this SHOCKING footage of people sneaking into the VIP section of Coachella using a giant duffelbag. 

What a disgraceful act of disobedience. I urge all labels, venues, promoters, management teams and all other relevant guest list holders to identify the person in this video. They should be BANNED from any and all future VIP access. This flagrant disregard for the sanctity of VIP will not go without consequences.

And shame on the Coachella organizers! We VIP’s expect you to be prepared for situations JUST LIKE THIS. I hate to think what awkward conversations may have been forced upon the alt celebs and relevant industry insiders by the subhuman every day consumer who dared to sneak into our sacred VIP safe harbor with the aid of huge ass Jansport.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel safe again. 

Read more about this terrible incident over at Hipster Runoff.

<3 you Carles! @hipsterrunoff why u h8 me? I’m just being Miley! Why you h8 @snacksthecat? He just being kitteh!