JAKE FOGELNEST

“Super 8” leaked to the Internet. That’s what happens with movies today: they leak to the Internet. It takes two minutes for it to happen. Even with the tightest security, the very nature of film distribution and promotion all but ensures that somewhere, someone, is gonna leak the flick.

Howard Stern has spent many hours on his show complaining about how hard it is to get studios to send him DVD screeners of new movies. If they send them to him at all, they often come with ridiculous constraints. Can you imagine some kid from a studio sitting in the lobby of your apartment until you’ve finished watching a movie, allowing him to immediately take possession of the disc from you? This has been an actual scenario given to Howard by Hollywood publicists.

Howard’s argument to the studios has always been, “What, I’m gonna leak your movie? Me? The most law abiding, neurotic person in the world? Why would I do that?” He’s 150% right. He’d never be involved with anything close to that. Furthermore, do studios honestly think the Stern Show staff would DARE copy a film with Howard’s name watermarked on it? Can you imagine the hell that would reign down on the air if that ever happened?

Well, it happened.

A copy of the film “Super 8” watermarked with “H. Stern” has leaked to the Internet and I doubt Howard K. Stern is getting VIP treatment from Paramount Pictures. Now my first thought is, “Howard returned it and somewhere in the chain of command at Paramount, this disc became available to the wrong person.” Basically what happens with every single major Hollywood film at some point, whether Howard’s name is burned into the screen or not.

Or there’s another scenario: someone is being “hilarious.”

Howard’s rants about DVD screeners are no secret. If there was ever a perfect movie to fake a watermark with Howard’s name on it, “Super 8” would be the way to go! Howard’s friendly with JJ Abrams, he’s mentioned watching the film on the air - it’s a perfect setup for a hoax. That would be pretty clever, but I think the first scenario is far more likely.

Either way, two things are true: movies are gonna get leaked NO MATTER WHAT and even though this happened, Howard Stern should get advanced screeners with no bullshit attached from any studio whenever he wants because he’s Howard Stern. The leaks aren’t gonna stop, the system is inherently fucked and the idea of Howard going to a movie theatre with people in it is just fucking ABSURD. Not to mention, if Howard talks about your film on the air, that film is getting priceless advertising for free.

Of course I think it goes without saying that there’s a part of all of us that want this to be Ralph’s fault! Oh the radio gold that we’d get from hearing Howard scream about that! Sadly, that’s highly unlikely. Also, Ralph is actually a great guy. 

Nope. All that’s happened here is what’s been happening for years. Some underpaid person made a few bucks copying a DVD. The only difference is, this time it may have been Howard Stern’s copy.

By the way, I totally didn’t illegally download “Super 8.” No… My friend took that picture off *his* television! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Wait, not my friend. it was my wife! Morgan Fairchild… Whom I’ve slept with.

Benjy Bronk is now a meme.