JAKE FOGELNEST

Hey everyone, Adele died. :(

Shit just got real.

What is this bizarre phenomenon of people from Brazil begging you to follow them on Twitter? I don’t want to follow you. I only want to follow my friends.

Or celebrities.

Or celebrities that are my friends.

Or celebrities that I want to be my friends.

Or celebrities that I don’t really want to be friends with, but it’s funny to follow them because they’re dummies or something.

Or celebrities that think they’re friends with me, but really we’re just casual acquaintances at best.

Or people that aren’t celebrities but they’re really cool and it doesn’t matter that they’re not a celebrity because the value of a person shouldn’t be based on their level of celebrity anyway.

Or people that aren’t celebrities or cool but are following me and I kinda know them and don’t want to hurt their feelings, so it’s just easier to follow them back to avoid awkwardness.

BUT I CERTAINLY DON’T WANT TO FOLLOW ANY GODDAMN RANDOM BRAZILIANS!

Obviously, this is because I hate people from Brazil.

Especially Brazilian celebrities. 

SO FUCK YOU, XUXA!

Someone created a fake me on Twitter and I had to seek refuge under the “Twitter Verification Act Of 2009.” Though being “verified” was originally developed by Twitter as a means of protecting those who were likely to be impersonated, it has bizarrely become some sort of “status symbol.”

Recently, Twitter co-founder Biz Stone was on The Howard Stern show and Stern staffers were given 30 seconds to plead their case for verification. Biz agreed to verify the person with the best argument. The winner (rightfully so) was Ronnie Mund, much to the chagrin of J.D. Harmeyer.

Anyway, I thought you’d be interested to know some of the ways my life has changed since becoming verified on Twitter:

• I now have a blue checkmark next to my name on my profile page. 
• I have developed telepathic powers but only to read the mind of Weird Al Yankovic.
• I’m smoking less.
• I have been invited to the next White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
• I am no longer afraid of bees.
• I’ve become a very well respected Jazz musician in France, despite the fact that I’m not a Jazz musician.  
• Mila Kunis totally wants to ‘do’ me.
• I’ve been given greenlight capabilities at Universal on films up to a budget of $35mil.
• Less people are following me on Twitter.
• My cat Egon is being really passive aggressive. (Twitter refuses to verify cats.)
• Greg Ginn from Black Flag has called me to invest in some sort of microbrewery.
• I’m a better dancer than ever!
• I’ve been offered “full patch” by the Hells Angels.

And that’s all in just a few days. I’m seriously considering getting the blue verification checkmark tattooed on my arm, just so I can feel verified in real life.

Now if I could just work on getting laid.

Please follow me on Twitter.

This is very exciting! Matt Albie and Danny Tripp are going to be live-tweeting an episode of “Studio 60” as it airs LIVE from the Sunset Strip in Hollywood this Friday night at 11:30 PM (EST). Make sure to follow them on Twitter: @MattAlbie60 and @DannyTripp60.

#Studio60

Dear Paul,

I thought you needed this screenshot of who Charlie Sheen is following on Twitter.

Keep on winning!

Your friend,

Jake

I get a lot of messages from spambots on Twitter.  I’ve been writing back to them.

Sully makes me laugh a lot.  Almost as much as Megan Phelps.

Twitter is awesome.  

I apologize for geeking out but this was really cool.  There was a bit of a quoting rampage of “The Young Ones” started on Twitter by Bonnie Burton who edits StarWars.com and Simon Pegg joined in.  I @ replied him letting him know that “The Young Ones” sits right next to “Spaced” on my DVD shelf (totally true) and he sent me this DM.  Very cool!

Twitter is awesome.